Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

Tower on a hill

Updated my netdiary software so I could make this entry without being able to post it immediately (and without netdiary trying and failing). In a rather emotionally fragile mood. I really hate this moving business. Had a very painful dream with Martha in it, it had content similar to her inviting me over, snuggling with me, and falling asleep. I then dreamed that she went out the next day with someone else, and was romancing him. It's odd -- I never started feeling jealous until my relationship with her was already over -- perhaps it's that I trusted her, and I perhaps still see her going back to him as a destruction of that trust. There's so much that I could never say to her now, and I still seem to be in love with her even after all this time. And yet I also am very angry with her for her leaving me, going back to Ryan when it was clear her life patterns were harming her,
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I also hope that I can recapture my numbness to this once I finish moving.

Hmm.. the impressionability of youth. It reminds me of a fear that I have that I've been able to trace precisely as well -- needles. I have an intense fear of needles and other things that enter the skin or an orifice, as I have a fear of them breaking off inside or otherwise falling inside the body and being irretrievable. Q-tips really freak me out. After tracing back through my memories, I believe that the problem was rooted when Maggie, my favorite dog out of all the dogs my family ever had (field spaniel, snored, very smart, brown with bits of white), got into my mother's sewing room one day and ate a needle. Eventually, it was found through an X-ray and removed, but the doctors said that if it had remained in her much longer, it would've gotten into her heart (it apparently was being pushed around in her body) and killed her. I'm pretty certain that the thought of that so horrified young Improv that he has a fear of needles and similar things to this day.

Speaking of moving, I seem to feel better now that I've spent more time on the big computers that I've moved in. It's nice to have my laptop, but somehow the big monitors on my main Alpha and my Athlon are more pacifying. Oh.. another thing about moving. While picking the decoration/spare parts out of my stairs in the old place, I took down the hammock that I had made for Evil, my first Iguana, and almost cried with the memories that came with it. I kind of cuddled with it for a few minutes, and wrapped it into a more compact form that for some reason really makes me happy to be around. The combination of the 2 hard metal bars and the many strands of yarn tying them together really strikes a chord with me -- it's like a metaphor for my personality and possibly my philosophy. Wally seems to be getting used to the new place surprisingly well. Just moved Dr. Forrester in, and he's kind of stressed. I need to build him a new hammock here -- the old one was dirty enough that I tossed it rather than try to clean it. The Iguana hammocks I make now are generally made from a piece of clothing that no longer fits, e.g. pants or a shirt, cut into wide/long strips, and with holes cut in for me to bind them to various parts of the Iguana cages with some tough string that I have. I think the string is kite string -- it's light and very strong, and I got it perhaps 4 years ago at Staples. It is, alas, in gaudy colors, but I'm willing to live with that.

Helped Jason apartment search yesterday, driving him around and calling places. Near the end of the trip, we were having a conversation about building styles, and eventually discussion of lobbies in buildings. On my suggestion, we went to look at a building on our street that I remembered as having a lobby. It was a very small lobby, and as we looked around it, we noticed that on the sides, there was a nice outdoor patio area on each bottom floor building, and parking was provided in front. We called -- rent there is about $600/mo for a 2-bedroom, so it was unsuitable for his needs, but I think perhaps if I get a good paying job in Columbus, I might want to live there, right back on Northwood. I've been worrying a bit recently about my life being off-track -- I really don't want to lose sight of my goal of going back to college within about 5 years and doing AI research, perhaps focusing on neural structures and their functionality, with the goal being to create a synthetic brain that way. Missed going to Insomnia last night -- I took a nap that turned out to be too long after getting back from the apartment search and moving another load here. I'm glad that I seem to be well on-schedule to having everything moved out by the deadline -- all that's left is the other Iguana cage, my ipnat OpenBSD box, my laptop, and a lot of miscellaneous junk. I don't know how easy it will be to move the other iguana cage -- I suppose I'll find out today. It would be very spiffy, although perhaps a bit unrealistic, for me to be completely moved out by the end of today.

I'm glad I added the no-upload functionality to my netdiary program -- I guess I had a lot to write about in this entry. Tschau

Tags: philosophy, programming

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