Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

And yet another sin, sort of.

Netdiaries. Quealy just added yet another one. Apparently, a lot of people are doing them now. Can this be the beginning of a new era of openness? Is this a way that society might be maturing? What changes can come to society when everyone has a way to let out their feelings on the web? And although my diary can't be commented in, many can. The potential for people helping each other is beautiful. Yes, and on to the sin part. I consider it my philosophical duty to be open and forthcoming -- my life is an experiment, an open one, in how to live. And yet sometimes, when I go back and look over an entry, I decide not to make it, and just copy the file elsewhere. This bothers me. There's an entry that I made between this one and the last one that none of the readers got to see. And yes, it wasn't very interesting -- just a long boring analysis of why I don't have a significant other, talking about what I want and why the few people I know in life arn't quite suited. And I just looked back at it after writing it, and my more daytime-ish self said "That's crap", and so I just saved it as a file. It nags at me though, to write entries, and not post them. It reminds me of some of my other writings which I don't make public -- detailed analyses of people that I know, or episodes in life that more than lightly touch on their experiences. I just don't know if I want to release those writings -- although I certainly claim the right, unless I specifically agree otherwise, to transmit all data I manage to get my hands on, in some cases it would be less than nice to the people involved to do so, and so in many cases I've just decided to keep them to myself. Guilt is a conflict of values, and here's it in action -- the value of sharing my thoughts and experiences lost in these instances.

Although when I die, I do hope that all my thoughts, including my unshared ones, be made available, I suppose currently I'm going to keep a few outside the public eye for now.

Apparently someone is toying with me using an irritating website called crushlink. It's one of those things where you enter 5 people you have a crush on, it emails them all, but won't tell them your email address, and invites them to do the same, and if both of you have each other's email address listed as crushes, it informs both of you. It's kind of sick. If, by some off chance, whoever you are is reading this (and I am fairly certain that at least a fair percentage of the people I know at least know about my netdiary), please stop. You're only going to irritate me and possibly make me upset. I don't like being taunted with love and attraction. If you have the balls (or female equivilent, doesn't matter), just come and talk to me about it. If there's mutual attraction, you're an atheist, intellectual, like to read, and perhaps a few other things, there's a possibility that we might be suited for being life companions. If you're not going to talk to me about it, leave me alone. Damnit, I haven't dated for a bit over two years, and it's not the most happy topic I can be brought to dwell on in my life.

Hehe... now that I'm done being pissy, on to other topics. There's a possible University job opening up in about a month that'd be really quite spiffy. Decent pay, fun unixy stuff, broad discretion, etc. If I get it, I can move back to the campus area and bike to work every day, and perhaps start making slow progress towards a Masters/PhD in Cog Sci, advancing my life plan. Huzzah. Where would I like to live? Well, there's a nice place back on Northwood across and up the street from where I used to live, but I don't know if it's still open. Alternatively, Jason and Amanda live due east of campus, Lorie lives kind of northeast, and Aug and co live south. It'd be nice to live near at least one set of people I know. Hmm.. I wonder what Aug thinks of me -- I haven't actually hung out with him for quite some time. Perhaps he thinks I'm messed up for still not being over Martha. *sigh* .. I remember when we were in the calculus math series together.. In any case, it'd be nice to move back to campus, where I can keep the thermostat at 85 for the entire place I live, and ride my bike everywhere and not need to use my car. It still makes me sad when I think back at the way things used to be -- I was so happy then. Little pieces of happiness.. broken off. Insomnia. College. All those friends, many of whom I'll never see again. Love. Every moment I live, the past fades further, and fails to be prettier than the empty now. I've occasionally hung out with Lorie recently, and it's kind of sad for me to hear all the tales of SFF, a SFF so different. What would they all think, if they were to have a sight of the SFF I remember, similar, but with a different cast? Where would I be now, had Martha and I stayed together? What would our lives be like? Perhaps I'm like Play-Dough -- shaped to who I'm with, and so now when you look at me, you can still see the changes I unconsciously made to myself to be an ideal companion for her. Are the older set of changes I tried to make to fit with YF still visible? For as far back as I can remember, I have always shaped myself to fit the people around me. Curse my overclear memory, I still remember telling a certain friend about this, some 8 years ago, on a ski lift. Why is my memory like that? So many things make such a deep impression on me, and so that moment is frozen forever in my mind. Why can't it be more of the happy moments? Always things I feel embarassed about later. And there were people I had feelings for, in high school, that I never had the ability to tell them about. There was a Denise, a Nate, and a few others. I arranged to be around them.. I wanted to understand them, see their smiles and tears. All gone now. Who knows what I missed out on? Pain? Pleasure? The difference between living a fairly safe life and just being too shy is very blurry.

Tags: blog, friends

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