Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

Flickering Candle

A candle was controversial. I almost blew it out, but decided to let it be. You could see the cracks spread over it. It will not last another year.

Yeah, I was dragged home for Christmas. Well, not literally, but I was nagged enough that I gave in. It wasn't that bad, but it had an odd air of finality about it. My parents know, and half-stated, that this was our last Christmas, at least of this form. They tried, halfway, to make things work. They tried to get me two Bowler (is that how you spell it?) hats, assuming that my Dad's unusually large head was the same size as mine, but alas my head is apparently even more abnormally large, so neither fit. Darn it, I've been wanting those hats for so long. They also tried to find me a new digital camera, a Canon Powershot G2, but were unable to find one in stores. I feel a widening gap with my mother and two youngest sisters, and oddly that isn't the same as the gap seperating me from my father. I wonder how things are between my father and mother. There seems to be tension spread throughout that entire house..

From the chaos there, I appear to return home to Columbus more decisive. I am almost resolved to go for my original desired half-duplex. I changed Wally's litter, and changed the garbage bag, two things I've been putting off for a long time. I did enjoy visiting my grandparents before I went to my parents'. That reminds me, I need to make arrangements to visit Mimi (my other grandmother), perhaps visiting my other relatives in Texas on the same trip.

I am temporarily blinded -- I've been wondering what musical is my favorite, and I cannot judge with accuracy because of my current infaturation with Hedwig. It is, after all, something that still feels new. I don't know if I should just say that (Hedwig is currently my favorite because it's new, but I don't know what will be when the newness wears out), or say that I cannot judge because the newness is blinding me. It all depends on if I want my concept of favorite, for this purpose, to have a broad scope in time, or if it should match how I feel right now. So much depends on definition. Philosophy is life. If you want to be able to think about common things, you must be able to deal with definitions, crises of meaning, and the places where language is a bit soft.

I am a validating parser. The most unpopular of listeners, the strict guardian of good thought. I am angered by stupidity, by sloppy thought, and by poetry where it does not seem to belong. If you do what is fun, use the hammer of truth to beat in your values, and seem unaware of what you do, I begin to steam.

Liberals? Conservatives? Who can I deal with better? I tend to dislike both. I think, however, that I would rather deal with liberals, because their relativism, defanged as it is, is more intelligent than the conservative failure to truly see the mind of others. The conservative is the creature that cannot see, the liberal the creature that cannot act. Hmm. And yet I am again unsure which I prefer, thinking about it. The liberals can see somewhat more clearly, and they still have some misunderstandings about the force that must exist in society. Coercion is the blood of society. It should be kept small, but it is not possible to do without it.

Blah. I didn't really want to talk about this. Or maybe I did, but I don't now. See? The very idiomatic habits of English, those common phrases, they seduce me too. I must strive to be cleaner, to perfect my speech and action. Ahh, that reminds me. One of the oddities about visiting home was that I refused to drink wine or watch TV with my parents. I already am at least purified that much. I must keep in mind the vision of who I want to be, the face of the lion on the tree, the venus flytrap, the beautiful unity of right brain and left brain, the abstention from groupthought, religion, and patriotism, the cold logic and the warm hand.

Tags: philosophy, poetry

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