I sometimes, in my more reflective moments, wonder if there'san undercurrent to society, a different way for informationto flow, that I just don't seem to grasp. Is there somethingthat seperates me from other people? I just don't seem to likepeople very much, and I probably give people bad vibes.
Thinking about it, I believe I know what it is. It is, indeedpartly that I dislike most people. I see more than other peopledo, the lies, the angling for approval, the unconscious attemptsat posturing, leaving impressions. I see too much, and everything I see chisels away at the empty apple core that for mostpeople is an apple of innocence. Even in the Jewish myths, thetwo only took one bite apiece, and they were ashamed, and changedforever. I have eaten the entire apple, and some seeds as well.In response to that, I hated what I was, and changed myself.I have intentionally made myself as self-aware as I possibly canbe. As much as I can stand, as many hours as it can last, Ithink about everything I do. I reflect on everything. It recurses,but I take it gently. How must I sound when I write this? Why amI writing this? What does it mean that I think that this is whatI feel? These may seem like irritants to you now, but I take themseriously, and am swimming in a sea of them every day. Does it reallystop the posturing I saw in myself? No, not really, although it changesit, I am sure. At work, I sometimes am the quiet, intense person,sometimes the mad scientist, and sometimes, although I might dislikeit on reflection, the cracker of bad jokes. So many roles. Is itme trying to fill different roles, striving to fit a mold whichpeople react to in predictable ways? Or is it different aspects ofmy personality manifesting myself? Is it something else? What would itmean not to fit a role? One still has to decide how to act. There'sno avoiding that. To some degree, being alone gets rid of thisconfusion I sometimes have. Boredom while being around others tends tostimulate it. I can never stop reflecting, but at least the mirroris friendlier when I am alone.
Occasionally, I get jealous. What it would be to be person X, whoalways has interesting people surrounding him, and is probably neverbored or lonely. Or person Y, who is in a leadership position in amovement that matters to him, and is living with other membersof the movement. Why can't I be jealous of who I am?Maybe I sometimes get jealous of simplicity. Outside my head, mylife is very simple. Interpersonally, I may as well be dead. I liveto program, be good to my pets, tinker with computers, producephilosophy, and read. It's just this self-awareness that keepsthings complex. Yet... perhaps I think it makes me more alivethan other people. Hmm.. maybe alive is the wrong word. OTOH, maybeI'm not describing anything worthwhile. I'm not sure.
I'm preparing a presentation on Tolerance this weekend at the localatheist's group. Booyah.