choose from being in a world where everyone is lesser than you, orgreater than you.. which would you choose? It's a choice betweenbeing pitied or (hated or pretending to be dumber, and thus hating yourself).Not an easy choice. I've done a lot of part 2b in my life. Perhapstoo much. But is being alone really much more of a choice?
eliminate a lot of pain in yourself by losing a lot of your memories,would you do it? Memories are the fabric of identity.
sacrifice yourself to make the world a better place, would you do it?Is it the same to worry about how you'd think of yourself if you didn't,or to not do it simply because it might advance enough values thatyour value for your life might be overridden? Are there things outsidethe selfish giver model?
I heard something similar to this"I wish I felt that strongly about someone that I'd be willingto commit suicide if it failed". She works in a suicide hotline,and wasn't talking to me. I stared at my wrists.
I think I'm not far from the onset of a great loss. I sometimes thinkI remember too much, see too much, empathize too much. I am who I amnot for far too often, and only let myself out, in a twisted parody,as laughter. I hunch over, so I am not visibly taller than you. Ittwists me. I get sore. Too much? What does that mean? Too much tobe as happy as you, society.
It's not the only oddity in that book, anyhow.I've been doing a lot of reading again recently. Fiction, Philosophy,sociology, science, all that stuff. I need to find someone to sharemy life with. I don't think it'll happen here. What to do?