I hear a song. It summons sadness, by making me feel likeI see everything that ever was and ever could've been.I see all the happiness, and I can only hold what is inwhat I see as my reality. Is happiness comparitive? I feelall that sadness too, and more than either, a great senseof wistful longing for everything that could be and might'vebeen. There is something in me, part of the way I normally seethe world, that tells me such happiness and sadness, suchexperiences I 'see' in my speculations, they are not for me.Do they exist? There's no reason to believe they do, and the"infinity" I see is a fabrication of my mind.. but I still feelawe and sadness about it. All the things that once were thatstopped, all the things that never were, all the possibilitiesthat might've been wonderful, or crazy, or agonies. I see toomany of them, and it twists me, brings emotional pain.
I went for what will probably be the last gathering of most ofthe original SFF crowd last night, and it was at Martha's. Iam shielded by my love of Debb from the oddity of being aroundMartha. She's off to Korea, but I get the feeling she's nolonger all of what she once was. Too many of her dreams havebeen shattered, and the skin is healing around those shards.Kurt, Aug, Dave, Martha, and a number of the other folks Ialmost never see anymore were there... It was like a reunionepisode of a beloved TV show. Fates permitting, I am leavingColumbus. Dave is off to law school. Martha's off to Korea withher fiancee. Everyone is leaving. SFF is different from what itwas. I don't know if I can judge it, but it makes me feel sad.This circle of friends is breaking apart, and it will probablynever be complete again. It actually isn't even complete now.Whatever happened to Mike the hat guy? Whatever happened to allthe lost relationships? Dizzifying -- I want to see the past,to somehow step back and take my fill of seeing what was.
This is probably partly inspired by this music I'm listeningto right now.. I think my emotions are easily swayed bymusic. It's a russian song that reminds me of someone cryingwhile making their way through life. I don't understand thelyrics (not speaking any russian), but I don't need to, inorder to get some feeling from it. It might not be whatthe artist intended (which reminds me of a 4-person conversationabout 3 years ago in an art gallery in New York), but itmoves me. I wish Debb were here. I need to talk to someoneI'm close to, or maybe cry, or just get a hug. There's onlyher, but I think she's out of town. Heh. I don't think I canreally feel close to more than one person at a time. Thecomplete openness that I love doesn't work with society. I don'teven know for sure if I'm actually even completely open with myself.It hurts, even when it liberates. Openness, beyond a certain level,is like a pleasant bruise. I feel compelled to run to the future,or somehow return to the past. Love takes away my sorrows, engrossmentin the past is a drug that is the opposite of sad nostalgia.Infinity burns my eyes, pulls at my heart.
I wish I could share the song that brought about this moment ofsad reflection, but I don't want to mess with getting naggedabout copyright stuff. In case I change my mind later, I herebyremind myself that the name of the song is "splean".