Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn
dachte

Pasttime

I wonder .. how do I divide my life? Are there strict bordersas to the way I classify my life? I experiment here, walkingbackwards, letting my life flash before my eyes .. err.. myscreen. Heh. An experiment in thought and style. 2nd person.Maybe I should make a speculative, choose your own adventurebook sometime, guessing at what might've been about the criticalmoments. My past composes most of my identity.

Future (speculative)

You are settled down with your chosen, be it Debb or someone else,exploring a life of science, learning, and perfecting yourself in aUniversity setting somewhere. After a life of achievement, happiness,and love, Thauntos comes, and you are ready for his touch.

Current: Angst, Chaos, and Love

- April 2002 - ????Jason leaves Columbus, having temporarily lived with you,and leaves your ties to Columbus a little weaker.You fall in love with Debb, and you feel a new time coming on.You prepare and hope to leave Columbus, heading to Pittsburgh, giving lovea try. The uncertain future beckons, and you are in the process ofremixing yourself from elements of yourself long forgotten. Youstill feel some angst from all of the changes happening in your life,only some of them related to the move.

Intermission

- April 2002-June 2002You leave McLeod and Associates, tired of incompetance and abuse, andfind a wonderful new job at GoAntiques. You feel your spirits lift,for although your life is still empty and lonely, at least day-to-day,you no longer are dealing with things you hate at work, and the peopleat this workplace are, like the last job, friendly and good to work with.You volunteer for a time at a pet shelter, and enjoy taking care of thecats and dogs there. Having recaptured some confidance, you reemerge intoSFF, and begin to interact with old friends from there again. The changessince you were last active are dizzifying.

Tainted Gift

- November 2001 - April 2002You finally get a job at McLeod and Associates, and are relieved tofinally have a source of income. You enjoy the depth of your roleat the small company, and use the funds from the job to pull yourlife together, and move into a large residence near the railroad.Eventually, problems with the company make it progressively lesspleasant to work with, and you begin to feel miserable as purgatorybegins to glow like hell.

Free Fall

March 2001 - November 2001Graduation has not done good things for you. The economy and yourresume, empty of professional jobs, conspire to leave you joblessfor a bit over 6 months, and your parents, unhappy with supportingyou, continually threaten to recall you home, and otherwise makelife unpleasant. In this case, you feel you have noone to blame foryourself, and you retreat to the past, agonizing further over Marthawhile trying to distract yourself with trivialities. During this time,you are forced to move from your beloved apartment on Northwood intoa distant and uncomfortable place distant from campus, due to lowerfinancial support from parents. You ponder for quite some time theidea of taking a non-computer job to gain some independance back.

Wrapping it up

March 2000 - March 2001Feeling rather empty, you go through the last year of college, leavingthe job at the LAIR to focus on studies. Your confidence in yourability to build a better life and leave Columbus to build a newlife hold you together in your lonliness and angst.

Dark Time

Apr 1999 - ~March 2000You don't remember very much from this time in your life. You retreatinto your shell, never leaving your apartment except when needed forclasses, leave SFF, and break off ties with almost everyone, occasionallyhanging out with Charles. Thoughts of Martha and continual, horriblepain fill your nights and days. Near the end of this period, you beginto write down more of your philosophy as a means of distraction.

Thorned Rose

Dec 1998 - Apr 1999You discover love for the first time in your life, in the form ofMartha, an intellectual artist you meet through SFF. Dating rapidlyexpands into a deep relationship, as huge portions of your days areshared with your first proper chosen. You participate strongly in SFFand feel truly fulfilled for the first time in your life. And.. thenthings start to fall apart. Martha still has unresolved issues withher last chosen, and these grow in her mind and poison the relationship,while you watch with horror knowing that there is nothing you can do toaffect this. Talk of children and marrage and long-term plansswiftly become a shared awareness of a growing distance, and your soulis crushed, leaving you with nothing but continual grief. You makevarious attempts to escape this, but eventually change your mind andwithdraw into yourself to deal with the pain. You resent the effortsof your parents and others to involve themself in your life during this time,and acquire (and go through some) pets to prepare for what you foresee asa long time of emptiness.

Society

Sept 1998 - Nov 1998August, a cool person you met in Math class ages ago, finally convincesyou to go to the local atheist group he started, SFF. It takes some timegetting used to being around others of like mind, but finally you havepeers again. You also begin to get used to life in an awesome apartment onNorthwood Avenue. It is strange getting used to having things that beginto resemble a large number of friendships. I start to work for the LAIRat OSU at this time.

Dull Summer

Summer 1998Not much happened at this time. You live in the basement of a largehouse east of campus for this time. I leave my job at the Networkinggroup near the end of this time.

Partial relationship

March 1998 - June 1998You have a 'relationship' that's missing some essential parts, withsomeone you met in Lincoln tower (a dorm). Without much of anemotional connection, it never becomes deep. It is, however, thefirst time you explore the idea of relationships and sexuality.You briefly live in the Ohio Stater for the very beginning of summer.

Lincoln smiles

September 1997 - March 1998I return to Lincoln tower, this time with a roomate I actually like.Lundy and I get along very well, and eventually the suite drivesBobula out. I begin to work for the OSU Networking Group at this time.

Jones summer

June 1997 - August 1997I live in Jones graduate tower for the summer. It is very cramped,and I am fairly lonely. I go to the very last summer ASP service project withpeople from the church I used to attend, during this summer, andsay my last goodbyes to that crowd. After this, I have no strong tiesleft to Brecksville society left. I begin to work in the Unix Workstationgroup at this time.

Lincoln frowns

August 1996 - June 1997I start college, moving into Lincoln tower. I like my classes, but swiftlybegin to find my roomate intolerable. He doesn't bathe enough, he hasan irritating personality and mannerisms, he attempts to keep everyoneserious all the time because he's always studying and taking too many classes,and he's a compulsive liar. The rest of the suite hates him, and as we beginto clash, he prevents me from leaving by physically blocking me when he wantsto talk to me. I become miserable, but as he irritates the rest of thesuite too, make good friends with the rest of the suite. I work at the UTStelephone support center for this period.

Waiting for University

June 1996-August 1996Very little happened this summer, except I said goodbye to myfriends from Brecksville and finished working at IndependanceTelephone.

High School

I was involved in a lot of sciency thingsat this time, and had a number of computer jobs with varyingdegrees of seriousness. I learned to drive, and my close circle offriends, Tim, Stephen, Matt, Henry, Sri, and Ross (sort of) wereclosest during this period. I also finally learned what my heart conditionwas, and around the same time stopped being involved in cross-countryand the other athletic things that were still in my life at this time.I began to study, on my own, how social organizations work in real lifeat this time, and started an effort to understand how I think and howpersonalities work, after observing some semi-intentional personalityshifts within myself. I was involved with the local methodist church atthis time purely for social opportunities, and there was an incidentthat changed forever how I understand religion (and especially Christianity)related to the practice of confirmation. I was involved in Orchestra upuntil the end of High School, and enjoyed most of the classes I took,especially German, Japanese, and the science/math classes.

Middle School

I don't remember much from this and back. I wasstill fairly athletic at this time, playing floor hockey, running, soccer,and other things. Even above all the other kids in the Honors/Challengeprogram, I showed a particular aptitude at math and languages. Despitemy gifts, I also showed a tendency to not pay attention to things I didn'tfind interesting, and didn't like to study, causing my parents concern overmy grades. There were tutors and tests, although which were for advanced studyand which were to find out why I was making bad grades, I don't remember. Iplayed a number of video games during this time.

Elementary School

I had a good mix of intellectual achievementand involvement in athletics at this time, doing gymnastics, baseball, andsome other sports. This focus later slowly shifted towards purely intellectualthings, but at this time I was fairly balanced. My lack of ability to studyeffectively started during this time. It's possible that it may have beenrelated to a bad teacher I had for third grade who was somewhat abusive,but I have so little data at this point that I can't say for sure. Even atthis time, however, I can remember having conversations with someone else,Dan Perttu, about philosophy on the bus on the way home. I vaguely rememberplaying with transformers at this time, and also pretending the logpile in myparents' place was a time machine with a neighborhood friend. I rememberhaving Optimus Prime date Barbie, and playing dress-up with my sisters.

Moving Around

My family moved around between Texas and Connecticutbefore they settled down in Brecksville. I remember feeling very sad each time,as I lost all my friends everytime we moved. I only have very vague memoriesof these times -- in preschool in texas, I remember being in trouble fornot being able to be found after our time for recess on the playground hadended, although that might've been actually in kintergarden in Brecksville.I also vaguely remember a green turf in a porch in the back of ourhouse in texas, and having a favorite rock in connecticut. It was always coldthere.

This actually was a lot of fun. I should make this into the autobiographysection on my up-and-coming new version of my website, perhaps, as it hassignificantly more detail, and more importantly, dates.This is who I am, probably more than anything else is. Oh reader, canyou do likewise for your life?

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