February 12th, 2002


Stupid thing

Finished reading a book, went to my computer, and found that on match.com, there's someone who recently posted a profile, and they're in many ways a female version of me, and otherwise exactly what I'm looking for. They speak German and English, they're polish, Atheist, 21, artsy, like pets, and otherwise answered the survey questions pretty much the same as I did. She also has no problems with confrontation, likes debates and reading, and likes philosophy. So I decided to drop her a note. Well, of course, match.com is too good to be true.They want oodles of money.$25 for a single month subscription. Except.. they hope that you'll renew, and if you don't remember to cancel at the end of the month, they renew automatically. Or, I could pay by check... but for that they want a 3 month subscription minimum. Argh.

So, do I cough up $25, drop off a message, and write a program reminding me to cancel at the end of the month? Do I hope that she'll cough up $25 after noticing my profile? (I checked, I'd be fairly near the top of her matches). Do I just ignore it? The idea of actually meeting a potential companion sounds too good to be true. But... such people exist, I guess. Unless this posting is just a cruel prank. There's also no picture included. I wonder if I'd find her attractive.

Actually, I applied for a credit card today, but it'll be awhile before it gets here, and I don't really want to spend my parents money on it. So if I went with a check, I'd end up paying $50 for 3 months instead of $25 for one month. Is this a good gamble? $50 for the ability to contact someone who sounds on paper like they'd be perfect for me, plus the side benefit of being able to contact other people for the relevant period? Hmm. The problem, I guess, is that I have no way to either judge the probability of this leading to a relationship or the value of a relationship. It's so hard to know how to balance those two factors. Hmm. I'll maybe decide when I wake up after the coming sleep. I need to pack tomorrow too. I'm kind of cutting it close.


Last thoughts

For now.. I'm about to head to the airport for my busines trip to Virginia. I'm flying through cleveland. North, than south. Amusing. It reminds me of a quote from a book I read -- the book was kind of cheesy fantasy, but the quote is good. The path to power has turns within turns Not a bad quote, and it gets past my usual dislike of the societal urge to quote. About that urge. Too often, people think that knowledge really can be packed down into a small, pithy sentence. It sometimes can, but usually such attempts, to be charitable, cut corners with the truth. Truth has more of the flavor of a wide landscape. It has a kind of savage beauty, but it also makes you feel small. It's not incompatible with humor, but it should never be sacrificed for some kind of all-too-human punchline.

I do, oddly, feel a kind of finality right now. I wonder.. the present always is seen differently than the past.. perhaps this feeling is nothing. Or perhaps its just part of my mild fear of flying. Or perhaps things really do seem to be changing in my life and the lives of people around me.

I have decided to go for it with that person on match.com I'll probably subscribe when I get back, and drop her a note. This is the first time in a long time that anything even remotely like hope for love has stirred in my psyche. Psyche. Greek Goddess of the mind. Hmm. Anyhow, yeah. I'm getting back involved in the local atheist advocacy stuff. It's been a while. Does this mean that I'm not as 'broken' anymore by my failed Martha relationship? Maybe. I still don't think I want to be around when she's around, but I think I can pick up many of the other things I tossed away after that ended. And I'm feeling creative again, and have had good ideas for philosophical essays.

The people I know on the Internet.. Quealy's motor is coughing, and I don't know if that means he's just shifting gears or breaking down. Perhaps he just needs to take a trip to the gas station, and get off the highway for awhile. Leon's made some choices that will likely corrupt him in the end. Darkgod and Mynstral, I really, really need to get back in touch with them. I just need to get kryten (my dead router) working again, so I can get back on IRC. Actually, I just decided to drop jason an email, asking him to install ircii on what's serving as my temporary firewall (his system larkin, which is here because he lacks a cablemodem where he lives now).

In RL? I feel kind of clueless there. I don't really understand what Jason's been doing recently. Lorie? No real news there either. I haven't seen Amanda for awhile.

At work? Well, I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but I feel frustrated by some of the conditions there. Headhunters are beginning to pick up their activity again. If I wern't tied here by my lease I would probably already be gone. I like where I work, but I'm actually starting to look at the more appealing offers being sent my way. An extra $10k a year or more for a job that's still in Columbus..? I no longer am necessarily automatically ignoring everything. Although.. I really don't know what I want. I generally like who I'm working with, and while there are some things I find very irritating, things might be a lot worse. There are two ways I might feel foolish. If I change jobs, get paid more, but have to deal with more ugliness, or if I stay here, and in a few years don't have enough money to go back and comfortably get a masters/phd and continue my life plan.

That's all. I really must be going now.