April 23rd, 2002

Semiformalishmaybe

Relevation and Denial

An impression. Something you are expected to take for yourself, an expected partaking. But you hold back. They get angry. By not conforming, by not honoring the tradition, you are defiling it. At this point, you don't want to forego completely, you're just sleepy or tired, and want to delay it. You are not allowed. This is one of my memories. It shapes who I am. A mind is thick with these impressions, these defining memories. We may be the sum of our memories, but some of them are far more definitive than others.

My life is actually moving. I can see the shores recede. It was a good new direction to accept this job. Maybe I should've left sooner. The old job was slowly raising the temperature, and I would've boiled with hardly a notice if I had stayed. I think that if I explain it all, I'll be ready to forget it all. I wrote a letter that I never delivered to my ex-boss. A phrase -- opening ones mouth in anger often leads to things best not said. So I didn't. I wonder if I would've hated the job I left if I had expressed that anger. Does expression change what is being expressed? Here is my final word, and I will regain innocence. I censor it slightly, but not much. Do not sip too deeply, it is bile.

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<p>An impression. Something you are expected to take for yourself, an expected partaking. But you hold back. They get angry. By not conforming, by not honoring the tradition, you are defiling it. At this point, you don't want to forego completely, you're just sleepy or tired, and want to delay it. You are not allowed. This is one of my memories. It shapes who I am. A mind is thick with these impressions, these defining memories. We may be the sum of our memories, but some of them are far more definitive than others.</p><p>My life is actually moving. I can see the shores recede. It was a good new direction to accept this job. Maybe I should've left sooner. The old job was slowly raising the temperature, and I would've boiled with hardly a notice if I had stayed. I think that if I explain it all, I'll be ready to forget it all. I wrote a letter that I never delivered to my ex-boss. A phrase -- opening ones mouth in anger often leads to things best not said. So I didn't. I wonder if I would've hated the job I left if I had expressed that anger. Does expression change what is being expressed? Here is my final word, and I will regain innocence. I censor it slightly, but not much. Do not sip too deeply, it is bile.<HR width="20%><FONT COLOR="red">Edited after the fact, on 7 May 2002. I snipped my final word. See7 May 2002's entry for reasons and stuff. Instead, I simply will summarizewhy I left as the following:</p><ul><li>I was being asked to wear three hats: Sysadmin, Developer, and Support person. It was hurting my performance in each</li><li>I had a negligable support role, but it was being increased, and it was clear that it would continue to increase for awhile</li><li>People kept leaving/being fired from the company, both taking away people I liked and making it hard for me to get information I needed</li><li>The work environment was very noisy -- all throughout the building there was office music and noise dampeners</li><li>I felt that he didn't trust me</li><li>He blamed me for things that were the fault of the previous sysadmin</li><li>He took aspects of my job and did them wrongly</li><li>He didn't seem to have as much of a concern for good programming practice or systems maintenance as I felt was responsible</li><li>Finally, he insulted me in the middle of a meeting when I expressed displeasure at his unilateral change in my hours</li></ul><p>He's not a bad guy, he just made working there too difficult and stressful for me.</FONT><HR width="20%"></p><p>And there it is. The new job looks like it will have none of these problems. The pay is at a rate where I'm quite content, everyone seems to get along with each other, there's no continual feeling of panic and doom, and, perhaps most importantly, I don't anticipate being insulted in the middle of a meeting here. I gave no notice of my departure at the previous job... I was thinking of taking one of the job offers before, and was starting to pull my books back home, but wasn't quite sure if I wanted to leave. Then, McLeod changed my schedule without even asking me and made it clear that I was to fill a lot more of a support role. I said <I>I can't say I'm thrilled about that</I>, and he got angry, and insulted me. Heck, I might've even stayed if that hadn't happened. Instead, I swallowed the humiliation and anger, gave a false apology, and resolved to take one of the offers. That was my last day. I was unsure, but I guess I'm looking back, pleased that I left.</p><p>I decided to subscribe to match.com .. I wonder if I'll have any luck finding someone. I rode my bike to work today, the second day of the new job. When I arrived, my ears felt like they were bleeding, and I was tired, but the trip back wasn't so bad. After enough of this, I might be reasonably close to being in shape, perhaps. I like my new bike. I like my working laptop. I like my new job. I do miss my former workmates, even McLeod. Still, I seem to be on a better track now. And now, Jeff is going to stop by and we're gonna grab dinner. Off I go.