June 2nd, 2002

Semiformalishmaybe

If you could

choose from being in a world where everyone is lesser than you, orgreater than you.. which would you choose? It's a choice betweenbeing pitied or (hated or pretending to be dumber, and thus hating yourself).Not an easy choice. I've done a lot of part 2b in my life. Perhapstoo much. But is being alone really much more of a choice?

eliminate a lot of pain in yourself by losing a lot of your memories,would you do it? Memories are the fabric of identity.

sacrifice yourself to make the world a better place, would you do it?Is it the same to worry about how you'd think of yourself if you didn't,or to not do it simply because it might advance enough values thatyour value for your life might be overridden? Are there things outsidethe selfish giver model?

I heard something similar to this"I wish I felt that strongly about someone that I'd be willingto commit suicide if it failed". She works in a suicide hotline,and wasn't talking to me. I stared at my wrists.

I think I'm not far from the onset of a great loss. I sometimes thinkI remember too much, see too much, empathize too much. I am who I amnot for far too often, and only let myself out, in a twisted parody,as laughter. I hunch over, so I am not visibly taller than you. Ittwists me. I get sore. Too much? What does that mean? Too much tobe as happy as you, society.

I don't think I can easily be understood by the christian. Perhapsthe buddhist, with their refined sense of pain, can understand. Butin their eyes, I am walking into the storm, not away. Still,Buddha and Nietzsche are uneasy companions, walking together, sharingsome jokes. They laugh at their disagreements. Perhaps my Buddha hasa bit too much of the Nietzsche in him. Impure. Still, they laugh atthe others. Christianity really is just the stunted brother of Islamand Judaism. Islam and Judaism merely achieve villainy; christianityachieves, in addition, stupidity and nonsensicality. What sense doesit make for an unwilling death of an aspect of a god, doubting theother parts, to make up for the evils of all people, past and future?None. It just plain does not make sense. And folks, that's thecentral event on which they base their religion. What the hell is wrongwith them? Couldn't they at least have their central event be somethingsensical? From a philosophical or even a story point of view, they should'vejust stayed as a sect of Judaism. Sheesh. You'd think that they'd put moreeffort into the most important thing they could get right. Explain it.Distort it differently. Employ the lies they used to construct the storyto at least make it better. *sigh*

It's not the only oddity in that book, anyhow.I've been doing a lot of reading again recently. Fiction, Philosophy,sociology, science, all that stuff. I need to find someone to sharemy life with. I don't think it'll happen here. What to do?