June 30th, 2003


The worst kind of debt...

The worst kind of debt is sleep debt, in my opinion. I'm presently on1 1/2 hours of sleep. I ate something yesterday that I shouldn't, andmy upset stomach kept me up until I managed to nod off around 05:30.On the upside, I no longer have quite as much of the other kind ofdebt (there's still some). Ugh, but this is a bad place for me to be in.I'm oddly not sleepy in the 'falling asleep' sense -- I'm just artificiallyin 'the zone', and that's not bad for all the coding I've been doing at work.However, I'm not feeling social *at all*, and had yet another technicaldiscussion with a coworker where I was probably less understanding of hispoint of view than I should've been, or at least a poorer communicator.Ugh, this isn't quite 'the zone', although it's something kind of like it.I do feel a little bit ill at ease in my own body, like it doesn't quitefit right. Also, as is usually the case whenever I feel the slightest bitoff-kilter, my eyes feel hot.

Although yesterday wasn't a bad day (until I started to feel ill), it wasn'ta great one either. I started to get ready to go out, but I couldn't reallyfigure out what I wanted to do. I eventually drove to an athletic store andgot a cheap tent for $30. It was a lot cheaper than I had thought it might be.I went to Coffee Tree (yet again), and hung out for a few hours (until about 10)and as I walked back, I remembered that I've been meaning to check out theother nice-looking coffeeshop here.. I think it's called the 61C. I stoppedby giant eagle, got some food, and went home. Blah. It was a fairly lonelyday. Still, I think I need that, or at least a bit of that. I still haveechoing in my mind a conversation with someone about how extroverts need totalk to people to 'recharge', and introverts need time alone to do the same.Yuuuup, I'm definitely an introvert. It's not hard to overwhelm me, and whenI'm around people for too long, they stop making sense to me, and I easily getconfused when they talk.

Some thoughts about my problems with dating. I'm a very very huggy person,but don't feel comfortable opening up to people. As I'm a high affectionperson without an outlet, I have a lot of emotional needs that arn't beingmet, and so I just swallow that as best I can. I think one of the reasonsI'm naturally fast-paced in relationships (well, I think, not having had many),and one of the problems I have with navigating the protocols is that largeamount of unmet need. Imagine if you've been holding your breath for awhile,and have a ways to go until you can breathe normally, and you get the chanceto draw a single breath, and then continue your efforts. You'd think thatyou'd be well off taking that breath, but it might not actually be the case --once you're done with it, it might be hard to resume the task, harder thanjust continuing it without the breath. That's a good analogy for me, I think.It's hard to transition, and the Debb and Martha things have made it hard forme to trust relationships, both in different ways. It's all kind of academicthough (haha)..

Oh well, I'd best go grab some food. I'm already fried from lack of sleep.Adding hunger to the mix would be unwise. On the upside, at least my stomachis mostly settled from last night's unwise food.


Glimmer of recognition

Aqua's song Barbie Girl just rotated in from my playlist.It stirred up a very very faint recognition of whatever I dreamed about duringmy 1.5 hours of sleep last night, but I have absolutely no content left. I

  • think* that perhaps I was impressed with someone living a 'barbie' life in
the dream, or something.

Yesterday, I was catching up on mail that still was going to my old apartment.There was an article in Time magazine on Xian evangelists that got me allfired up. I was surprised -- I'm not totally mild, and all it takes is adepiction of the "nobility" of such folk to get be hopping mad. Still, thetopic was "Should Christians convert Muslims", and I'm not certain if it worksout in the benefit of my cause if they do or not. In the end, I don't wanteither around, but is it easier to dereligionize Xians or Muslims? Hmm.

Oh, yes, am I taking a liking to tofu? Oddly, it seems almost to have changedtaste over the last while. Weird.

Food did me good. I'm still not very coherent, talking wise, but I feel better.I do wish the portions had been a little bigger though.

This upcoming trip will be fun. It's been too long since I've had anythingresembling a vacation. It does bring to mind if a combined 24 hours inthe car over 3(?) days counts as a vacation, but oh well :)

It's funny -- if I were to take a 'real' vacation in the style my family usedto take, the lounging on the beach kind, chances are decent that I'd simplystay in the lodge/hotel/whatever instead. When I'm trying to be lazy, I'm notwilling to put effort into it.

Hmm. This morning, while trying to get network printing working on myworkstation, I ruined a lot of paper, at least for printer usage. I guess Ihave scrap paper for quite awhile now -- it's just printed-on enough thatit'd be bad to try to print on it again.

Gah, I really am incoherent if I'm talking about this.