October 20th, 2003


Sun Tigers

The sight, the roar, you can't understand what they say, but you knowit has all the meaning of the universe. Knowledge, it's in both listeningand talking. If you listen with the right ear, the flapping of the butterflywill tell you the secrets of Nuclear Physics.. And no, this is not a metaphor,for now. Understand encryption, understand patterns, understand compression..Dictionaries are the key to knowledge. With any conversation, with anylistening, you and the talker both are building the table. Define the wordsperversely, and that perversion will be the basis for everything. A crackle,and lucidity, always a brief interlude, or perhaps never, depending on whichwind you follow, is gone again. Your civilization, another path in theendless rooms in your mind, or in your land. Formal undecidability, oruntellability.. We play a game with probability, but how can we tell thatwe're not just measuring and defining our own sanity, slowly running afinger down the side of our body, until it touches our toes or we growtired of the act and stop. Oh, look, a point of interest, can philosophy abidean interruption? The smell of soap, not for the hands but for the dishes..How can you tell what is said, when the eyes are closed and the mind runswild.. Is the place between the words really worth a visit? A gap in thecloud.. "Are you an artist here? Or a Professor?" "I'm a Rabbi". A glassflies through the air, shatters, and then is whole. When did I tell youthat? How can you ever see what you claim to see? It seems impossible.Schau! Es gibt a circus version of a flower.. Complete with a dance troupe,each with a watering device. And again we turn away, our dreams are awhirlwind tour of places a little ways beyond the limits of sanity.Some of us need more help than others to get there, or to keep all of what wegot there.

And here's another take on Cyndi Lauper's cover of Hedwig.If you don't understand what I'm saying, sorry, you're on your own.I hope I understand, in retrospect. I suppose that's a risk I'll haveto accept when I BLOG half-asleep.

And the epilogue... I lay back, on my newly cleaned apartment floor, with thatvery song playing.. and feel the memories, of the two that I have loved, ofand hear her singing, and even note with humour the spam I recieve... It is akind of surgery, mental surgery... and you, my other half, offer to take itaway from me.. the memories, more of them.. two halves of me... I don't want tolose more to you, my golem, my symbol, bearer of my sigil, but I am so moved,so convinced by your voice, and I know that you really are me, and that you'llkeep it safe should I ever want it back.. a wall with hats, a time near the endtalking about proving statistical normality with computers, talks about familyrelations after a phone call from your mother, a joke about another run afterhaving run through the cemetary and a little ways around where you live. I offerthese moments to you, and when all three of us got our cat. Your self-hatredtakes a new look, chosen, when you see yourself in an unfamiliar light, yourhair both a sign of shame and a celebration. And in all honesty, your face,your faces, fade from my memory, the white-out has dried, and all that's leftis the photos kept in a box I never open. An irony then, that the lament, thecelebration, it's too thin, and can't brave the currents, it keeps on gettinglost, and so I walk across the room, letting its leek indeed become legs,hit that duck with the plant. Similie is indeed the ultimate prison.Something you do when you wake up every morning.


We are known by the spears they pierce us by

Here's the ultimate expression of a trend I consider to be sick. Firstly,I find it really sad that people have so much of an urge to standardize onEnglish, throughout the world. Sure, it's a decent language, but it's notthat special, and further, even a really good language (like Japanese, with theKanji snipped out) wouldn't be a good thing to standardize on -- linguisticdiversity gives us, collectively, access to so many of the treasures ofhumanity.. literature, poetry, music, that would be chopped off at the kneesif we all went to English. It also takes away part of the stuff that, evenshould a single world order come about, should not be lost. Knowing manylanguages is part of being cultured, and is a worthwhile distinctiveness.Next thing you know, Korean families will be sending their kids to a plasticsurgeon to make them look more western. At that point, I'll have torn allmy hair out :) Ein Welt, eine Sprache? Nein! Besides, a cute accent can be very attractive.. *happy sigh*

Sound on my laptop is .. a little bit flakey sometimes. The latest kernels,which I haven't upgraded to, might fix the problem.. today, I thought thatsomething finally broke when I couldn't play music at all, but it turned outthat my headphones were plugged only halfway into the hole, causing thedriver to somehow get confused. Heh.

I'm doing a late lunch today, and so I'm at Kiva Han instead of Srees (whichis likely closed). I like it here -- I've occasionally stopped by here afterwork, to vary my routine a bit. Like CoffeeTree, it has a Telerama Access Point..The food's decent, and the environment is physically nicer than CoffeeTree..The people are less interesting but more numerous than there..

Last night, I stayed up late and got ahead on my homework.. a good thing,considering that I have two big assignments due this Thursday. After that,and after I finish my big work assignment (should be done by end of this week), my stress level will drop to normal levels again. Yay.


Paint Smudge

What does strength mean, when it fights itself? Virtue a plae glow aroundshattered glass, watch out, some shards might come flying out. A pouring motionis appropriate for the end of the day, the eyes, the teeth, the lips quiver,a sneer, a sneeze. A promise, an offer, a suggestion that I make that I'm gladyou don't take. It's out there because it deserves to be, not because of me.A clever set of moves, catch the fish. Put it in the tank, safe from the lava.I make my paintings the most complex thing in the world, and you have thenerve to comment on the basest features. You judge the pool by a single toeon the edge. Oh, look, it's an amish lady wearing military boots underher skirt. I hate your work, I smear it with my fist, and then look inamazement at the markings left on my fist, a solid block, with preciselyseperated strands of dark colour. The beauty is not in the whole composition,but in what it makes us do. Cosmopolitan Ice Cream? The sharp pins of adoll, left in as a reminder that not all dolls are meant to be played with.Again, that odd current, the faint tinkle of carnival music, strange thatinsanity is the path out of chaos... But it's not my bus. I will wait forthe Number Five, or I will walk. The red carpet is something we can layfor ourselves, if we can understand that it is not a mark of subservience.Perhaps we don't need that, if we shatter ourselves.. Instead, let's clearthe sky, and look above. The constellations are real here, giant objectsin the sky, we can even pop a DVD into the air, and watch a movie on ourown private omnitheatre. Anger, Doubt, Happiness, Anticipation, all of themare clouds, and they're so far away. Ever since the relevation, noone reallyseems to care anymore, seems to fight anymore, seems to love anymore, seems to interact anymore. We just stumble through reality, never meeting,each closing our eyes, as our endless inner worlds prove more meaningfulthan the one we once shared. All futures are a humanist's nightmare, theessense of now fades. I was around for that time, when all the lights inthe world lit up, the globals disappeared, the lanterns acting as orangeshields against the new darkness. The darkness that happened, as societyadapted, the new life as we explored the new realm, the collectives, untilwe either died or all learned the tricks. Did you really try to fast talk thegods into giving you those sandals? How they were so impressed with yourchutzpah that they gave you the pair, and the green lines beside. Admirationand jealousy is always what they felt, a moment of panic and a sneaky idea foryou is imitated by endless calculation.