June 1st, 2004


Dear world..

Dear World,Pat temporarily is a bit beyond his quota for bad events, mistreatment,and other bs. Any further things of this type will be met with a gooddeal more hostility than normal until he manages to recover his self-esteem.Excessive amounts of further pushing will likely make Pat shatter like an egg.It is very rare that Pat reaches points like this in his life, and has takena mix of extraordinarily abysmal things in almost every supporting life-area ofPat's self-esteem to reach this state, so things seen now might not resemblethe absorb-problems-like-a-sponge unshakable attitude seen in normalcircumstances.

Seriously, for only the second time in my life so far, I am invery serious need for something to go right, and for things to just get better,without too much effort I don't have the emotional energy to make spent.

One source of abuse, the greatest, is gone, albeit without even an apologyor expression of regret.. the last I heard was the equivalent to"I don't want to talk about how I'm abusing you, because I want to be ina good mood later to watch something on TV. Shut up about it, or I'll spendthe day without you". Screw that... The second source, it's still continuing,and I don't know if it can be fixed without ending that situation too (if that'seven doable). The third is probably the result of the other two, and the fourthis .. I don't want to talk about it. And then there are the little things..

Too much. Just too much....


Do Svidanye Russian.. order MalZeitGeist

Es gabe mas Schmerz fUr mich jetzt, to die zwitte Liebwunschen verdreht dasMesser nach das Herz, so muBte ich Russgo claBe beendight. Que pena, perowenn gibt es zu viel, Mann puedo que mann muss.

Ich hable con watashino boss, y alles damit schlecht ist auch. Wakarimasen,ob neccesito ein neuer Arbeitsplatz esuchar sollen. Kann es schlechterbekommen sein? ...


Rocky current

A fall down a dark staircase.. all the carefully crafted spells, nowinaccessible to him.. a different world, different rules.. years ofknowledge lost.. tears.. and then finally, as fingers run throughdust, old memories, the intuition long unused, replaced by knowledge,springs into action. A light touch on the fabric of reality, fingersdance.. "I can use this".. maybe the years wern't wasted after all..Abstraction flies into the night, like a coat on a model.

So, I may have given up another thing, but tonight, since my lastentry, I may have picked up some things that, given time, mightblossom into a solution to some of the problems. My life stilllacks enough good things for me to find stability and peace, butI have hope again.