I'm sitting in Insomnia. It's dark outside, and Jason is sitting nextto me, puffing on his pipe. A song that I don't know the name of, butlike, is playing, and we're ... chilling, that's what we're doing. Inever thought of chilling as something I do, but in retrospect, it seemsappropriate. It's David Bowie, or a cover of him, singing "Starman".This is our place, and I feel at home.
I'm sitting in Starbucks. It's dim outside, and I'm reading, and occasionallygrabbing notebooks to take down ideas, notes, and scribble. There's nomusic, but a lot of conversation is happening, in at least 4 languages(English, Hebrew, German, and Italian, possibly others). I'm recovering fromhaving my heart pulled out through my throat and stretched back over my head,yet somehow I feel alright, for now.
Years seperate me from myself, and my good friend is now over twothousand miles away. My heart has been broken again, and again itdidn't have to end up this way. It's hard to keep believing in love,and I know that a lot of other people don't believe in it the way Ido. I don't know if I'll ever have it, but I've seen it, I know itexists. Complete trust in one's future with another. Heat when eyesmeet. Good conversations. Good physical connection. A warm glow, onthe thought of "for as long as I have, there will be only you". That'swhat I want, and what I've felt, the two times I had a chosen. Both times,with women far more experienced than me, who were jaded, and had hurt andbeen hurt too many times to give all of themselves again. The first, Ithink was pretty much completely bad luck, and the second was largely mybad. I wonder what the future holds for me. Will I find love?
I need someone to be close to, someone to talk to like family here, withalmost no barriers. I need a friend, or a chosen. Maybe I'll find one orthe other. I would give quite a lot to have Jason or Dubin living herein town, or Woody or Martha, or someone else I know who I've opened upto to some extent. It's hard, when the person who has the closest tiesto you is the person you can't see.
One very hard lesson for me to learn in life, which has slapped me so manytimes, and that I keep on coming back for more, is that I need people.I keep on thinking that I can do things alone, or mostly alone, orsomething like that, but really I need friends. I tend towards a few,small, intense friendships, rather than a lot of mild ones. One of thethings I did wrong after Martha was, in fear of seeing her (she wasinterested in almost all the same things I was, and Columbus issocially small), I closed the door on all my friends, and didn'tseek anything or anyone new. I was stupid, and it cost me a lot, almosteverything. I'm steering the other way this time.
For the first time in over a year, I've managed to find people other thanDebb attractive. At Starbucks, there was a girl sitting next to me at thetable, studying law, and there was another girl sitting nearby, at atable full of female Germans. They were chattering away in a mix of Germanand English... Both of them smiled at me at various times. It's a pityI'm so shy. I'm almost incapable of starting conversations with strangers.
Argh. I can't believe that I'm going to the perl conference without alaptop. That totally bites. Maybe I can take one from work.
I wonder if I should get some really nice furniture after I move to thenew place. Maybe I'll build the desks myself, but I really need nicecarpentry stuff. I wonder where I can get nice tools, cheap.
I've been writing a lot of good stuff in notebooks, and have been workingon CVS-izing all the versions of my website. I'm irritated to find thatmy CD player said it could read CD-Rs, but what it meant was CD-Rs inredbook format, not mp3s. Do I sell it, or cope? I dunno.
Oh, and some lyrics to "Star Man"---Goodbye loveDidn't know what time it was the lights were low oh howI leaned back on my radio oh ohSome cat was layin' down some rock 'n' roll 'lotta soul, he saidThen the loud sound did seem to fade a adeCame back like a slow voice on a wave of phase ha haseThat weren't no D.J. that was hazy cosmic jive
There's a starman waiting in the sky
He'd like to come and meet us
But he thinks he'd blow our minds
There's a starman waiting in the sky
He's told us not to blow it
Cause he knows it's all worthwhile
He told me:
Let the children lose it
Let the children use it
Let all the children boogie