Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

Looking back at life

Life is a set of brief moments of awareness, seperated bylonger periods of smoothness. It's kind of a Buddhist way oflooking at things, and yet, unlike much of the otherBuddhist 'short thoughts', it's actually pretty menaingful.We only generally have a single 'strong focus' of attention,and so we're either reflecting or we're doing. It's the abilityto reflect that makes us interesting -- that moment of introspectionor realization. Of course, without content, it's not bound to bevery satisfying -- we can't do it too much. It's also true on abroader timescale .. heh, a time harmonic.. There are timeswhere we 'touch down' and look at our life and ourselves, and then welift up and let the river carry us where it will. Touching down isuseful because it lets us change direction. Different kinds of music,all very personal, can help us touch down or be carried again.

My life has changed direction recently, and I'm lifting my legs fromthe river bottom again. A friend pointed me at some things that Debbsaid about me. I read. I suspect, just like Martha did, that she'srearranging facts and history to justify where she is now, probablywithout realizing it.
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I wasn't exactly dependant to the same degreeas I was with Martha -- in that relationship it was very satisfactoryuntil near the end. In this one, it was a massive, unbalanced mix of goodand bad that was relatively stationary. I still think it was more goodthan bad, but it certainly was very bad at the same time it was very good.

I think I've pretty much recovered from it. I still get lonely, but it'smostly the old flavor of lonliness that's my nondating baseline, and onlyrarely the serious kind anymore. I did briefly have the dark thoughts frompost-Martha return, but they were short-lived and not really that strong.
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I believe strongly in honesty, writing things down, and making themavailable to the world. They hand-in-hand. People can't lie, to themselvesor to others, when every bit of information they put out there might becorroborated, supported, or the opposite from another, and when there'senough interest possible that society can dig up facts to see who twistedthe facts. Of those interested in what happened between me and Debb,from all the people who know both of us, let this be the closing of the bookfor this chapter of our lives.
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I'm ending this entry here for symbolic reasons, but the next entry istemporally right afterwards.


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