Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

Ill Ill Ill

Looks kinda funny, with this font.I'm not feeling well. I woke up feeling a bit ill, andsomething that I should've predicted was a bad idea ended uptoday making me unhappy. Well, I knew it was likely a bad idea, butI've been doing it anyhow. Not only that, but I've been acting likean idiot going about it. Two downers, one natural, one my own mess.

It's odd -- today should've been a good day -- the Weird Al and theFirewater CDs arrived today, and I found that Firewater still has awebsite, with a bizarre URL. I also have a new officemate, which mightmake things a bit less lonely around here. My internet connection isback up. I'm holding a meeting Sunday. However, those are relativelysmall things, as for me, well, no, I don't want to share that.I just feel ill and upset, and I'm having a number of psychosomaticeffects that are unpleasant. One downside of keeping my life almoststress/complication-free is that I'm entirely unused to when I dofeel upset or whatever.

I think I'm gonna skip the Z party tonight. I'm just going to go homeand go to sleep.

Supplimental.. I guess I do want to write about it. One of thepeople I have a crush on figured out that I do. They want me toback off. I respect that quality in them, and it's one of theareas where I'm still absolutely furious with Debb and, to a lesserdegree, Martha, for not doing that.
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I'm angry at both of them, butI know that my anger isn't entirely there for good reasons. I was/am intenton not getting too close, but the crush said I was anyhow, so I've clearlyfailed. And then I was stupid enough to talk about my having a crush withpeople I know. I've been such an idiot. Well, no, a fuck-up. It's a termI've used before to describe a few people I know who just can't do anythingright in a relationship. I'm definitely in that crowd. I give withoutrecieving. I don't know how to say no. I'm spineless, easily manipulated,and put up with endless abuse. In Women's Studies 201, at OSU, I suggestedthat abused wives use physical force to deal with abusive husbands that theyfear. I finally, through living the analogy, see why that's impossible.It's only because Debb
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that I'm free of her today. And yet I know that until I manage tofind love again, I'd be likely to go through those same motions and goback if she offered the relationship another go. And who knows, partof me thinks that maybe things could be fixed. Being on a sandbox doesn'tmean that you shouldn't doubt yourself. But a few things are clear:

1) I'm spineless in relationships, and I'm trying to learn why and change it so the next time I meet someone wonderful, I can stop them from abusing my trust and person, should they be so inclined. Chances are good that they might be -- I tend to be fascinated by people who are a little bit unhinged, although it's not a requirement.
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4) I get all gooey when I have a crush on someone, and when it's clear that the feelings are not mutual or are blocked by an existing relationship, it is best for all involved if I back off completely instead of just avoiding things that are explicitly against their current state of things. Being vigilant against oneself only works so far.
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5) I am again reminded that to desire leads to suffering, but I know that to cease to desire is to deny life. I am like the tightrope walker in Also Sprach, except here I am not moving. N and B are on the ends of the rope, but I'm still walking paces on a small part between.6) It's enlightening to take different positions in life, and do something that makes you angry at yourself.

Ahh, yes, it feels good to let that off my chest. Forget therapists, I have the internet!And yes, that's quotable! w00t!I actually said two more things that are quotable today. Weird."vi builds character""When even links supports PNG, you know it's time to move on" -- My comment on the GIF patent expiry on slashdot

So, I have Weird Al and the Internet to thank for my feeling somewhatbetter now. Weird Al's new CD has some good parodies of Mathers and Lavigne.o/~ "Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?" o/~ o/~

Hmm. That's a set of characters that'd be good to replace with a 'note'JPeg. I might hunt for one when I get home, and tweak netdiary :)

Push the button, Frank!

Tags: love, music

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