Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

The worst kind of debt...

The worst kind of debt is sleep debt, in my opinion. I'm presently on1 1/2 hours of sleep. I ate something yesterday that I shouldn't, andmy upset stomach kept me up until I managed to nod off around 05:30.On the upside, I no longer have quite as much of the other kind ofdebt (there's still some). Ugh, but this is a bad place for me to be in.I'm oddly not sleepy in the 'falling asleep' sense -- I'm just artificiallyin 'the zone', and that's not bad for all the coding I've been doing at work.However, I'm not feeling social *at all*, and had yet another technicaldiscussion with a coworker where I was probably less understanding of hispoint of view than I should've been, or at least a poorer communicator.Ugh, this isn't quite 'the zone', although it's something kind of like it.I do feel a little bit ill at ease in my own body, like it doesn't quitefit right. Also, as is usually the case whenever I feel the slightest bitoff-kilter, my eyes feel hot.

Although yesterday wasn't a bad day (until I started to feel ill), it wasn'ta great one either. I started to get ready to go out, but I couldn't reallyfigure out what I wanted to do. I eventually drove to an athletic store andgot a cheap tent for $30. It was a lot cheaper than I had thought it might be.I went to Coffee Tree (yet again), and hung out for a few hours (until about 10)and as I walked back, I remembered that I've been meaning to check out theother nice-looking coffeeshop here.. I think it's called the 61C. I stoppedby giant eagle, got some food, and went home. Blah. It was a fairly lonelyday. Still, I think I need that, or at least a bit of that. I still haveechoing in my mind a conversation with someone about how extroverts need totalk to people to 'recharge', and introverts need time alone to do the same.Yuuuup, I'm definitely an introvert. It's not hard to overwhelm me, and whenI'm around people for too long, they stop making sense to me, and I easily getconfused when they talk.

Some thoughts about my problems with dating. I'm a very very huggy person,but don't feel comfortable opening up to people. As I'm a high affectionperson without an outlet, I have a lot of emotional needs that arn't beingmet, and so I just swallow that as best I can. I think one of the reasonsI'm naturally fast-paced in relationships (well, I think, not having had many),and one of the problems I have with navigating the protocols is that largeamount of unmet need. Imagine if you've been holding your breath for awhile,and have a ways to go until you can breathe normally, and you get the chanceto draw a single breath, and then continue your efforts. You'd think thatyou'd be well off taking that breath, but it might not actually be the case --once you're done with it, it might be hard to resume the task, harder thanjust continuing it without the breath. That's a good analogy for me, I think.It's hard to transition, and the Debb and Martha things have made it hard forme to trust relationships, both in different ways. It's all kind of academicthough (haha)..

Oh well, I'd best go grab some food. I'm already fried from lack of sleep.Adding hunger to the mix would be unwise. On the upside, at least my stomachis mostly settled from last night's unwise food.

Tags: love

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