I find myself wondering what friendship is. There are many ways to approachthe issue, but this time I'm trying to understand it by observing whatchanges happen as one is built. The problem is, as I'm doing it, and puttingmyself into the right analytical frame of mind to manage that, I can feelwhatever it is pull back, reluctant to be analyzed, and it comes back when Istop prodding at it. This isn't unique to friendship -- it also happens witha lot of things -- too much self-awareness is a sure way to be dysfunctionalin life in some areas. I can modulate my self-awareness, but the issue is,why are these things like that? One possibility, I think, is that friendshipshappen on a subconscious or perhaps even partly biochemical level -- we haveno idea what kind of pheremones are in the air when people get together.It may be that, as we know these things to be involved in romance, they couldbe involved in friendships too. There are, however, other possibilities --riding a bike doesn't involve pheremones, but certainly is one of those kindsof things where too much self-awareness can cause failure or erratic behavior.Perhaps the brain patterns used for thought-on-thought interfere with whatever(emotional?) areas are used for some of the neurological sides of friendship.Or, perhaps there are sides to friendship that none of us are emotionallymature enough to unwrap, and some kind of a fear of truth is involved. I wonderif men have friendships in different ways than females do. It seems possible.I feel I've had some success at identifying summaries of friendship from otherangles -- fitting into my value theory, I think that a friendship is when oneplaces a value on another person in the way that a substantial number of theirvalues become, by proxy, some form of light value for the other person. It mayalso tie into the ingroup-outgroup mentality.
This reminder of self-awareness is an unfortunate and necessary part of aimingto live a philosophical life -- modulating tendencies towards self-awarenesswhen necessary can be tricky when the rest of one's life is devoted tomaintaining a very high level of self-awareness. There are some things thatwill never seem as natural to such a person.
Last night, at the Zets Zapme, we watched Oscar. It was .. difficult tojudge -- Stallone is actually a good actor (I had forgotten -- normally whenI think of him, I think of terrible films like Rocky or Rambo), and thefilm was funny and amusing most of the way through. Unfortunately, near the end,it went way over the top relating to motions of black bags, and I just wantedto strangle the people involved. Too much baggage! Arghhhh! Still, it wasenjoyable.
Parts of me have been longing for Nicole all week. Damnit. I'm furious, anddepressed, and still in love, and .. slowly coming to accept it. Damn you,Phillip Injeian, and damn you too, Nicole. May the failure of your nextromances be swift and painful, so you can wake up to who you are.Ahh, well.
I've been thinking of actually digging out the old Dungeons and Dragons stuffto try to start a local gaming group, based on the fact that I now actuallyknow some people my age who are local and gamers. Of course, if the Qatar offeris good enough, which I will wait to hear about, I will go, and that'll screweverything up, but such is life. Next trip to my parents place, I'll scour thebasement for my old magic cards, any DnD stuff I don't already have, and myold campaign world. Of course, the people I have in mind may not want to play,but perhaps this will be a new way to branch out and meet new people, which ifI'm staying here, I need to do. Heck, maybe if/when I'm ready, I'd meet a newsignificant other that way. In any case, there's a chance that if I don't starta campaign, someone else will, and I've always been more the type to GM than thetype to actually play. I'm pretty sure that with my old group of friends, I wasthe DM the vast majority of the time, when I was playing.
At the same time I'll be grabbing all that stuff, I'm still working ondrastically chopping down on the amount of clutter in my apartment. In the end,I want to keep very little that isn't
- Computer/Electronics Stuff
- Sentimental Stuff
- Basic Household supplies
- Pet stuff
- Sporting stuff