Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

Reluctant Dichotomy

I have vague premonitions of something bad about to catch up with me thatI've successfully kept away for a long time. I've never really put muchtrust in premonitions, although it may be that they're just part ofintuitions, and also partly that they often induce behavior that tends tobring about what is feared. I find myself wondering what there might bethat could meet that criteria that's likely to come up soon. It's hard toknow how worried I should be when the cues inducing me to worry are sodifficult to verify.

Last night, after spending a very long day at work, a friend called -- heneeded to pick his girlfriend up in DC unexpectedly, and wanted some companyon the way down so he wouldn't fall asleep in the car. I was chilling atCoffee Tree, but decided that it sounded amusing and doable. I was a bit lateto work today because I needed more sleep after we got back (about 8am), butI was working late the night before anyhow, and I'm still at work now. Withoutinternet at home, my incentive to be at work doing work, rather than being athome mixing work with fun, is much higher.

Some thoughts for my reader -- when you have premonitions that don't appear totrace back to any data or reasoning you can easily imagine, do you payattention to them? How much weight do you give them, and do you tend to modifyyour behavior to face or flee the undesirable outcome, if any?

A second general area for exploration -- have you ever been jealous of thegeneral life position of a friend? One of my friends recently remarked that allhis ex-girlfriends are now married, many with children, as are many of hisfriends from the community where he grew up. Of course, he's in what lookslike a good relationship that might put him in that position in a few years.It's hard for me to sympathize entirely because he's in a better position thanI am in that regard, but I definitely know what he's feeling, perhaps moredeeply than does. I also have some things to at least feel uncomfortable aboutwith regards to attraction and social dynamics, in at least two differentareas in my life. Ahh, but such discomfort is part of living, and provided thatone is careful to remain aware of oneself and stay within good ethicalboundaries, one does one's best.

One of the things that's hard for me in reading the book I got recently,Wicked, is that it has some rather frank depiction of infidelity in it.While people might assume, were they to know about them, that somenot-too-anciently revealed events may have made me especially sensitive to suchthings, emotionally speaking, I am, for the most part, over that, having alreadyadjusted my perceptions of the people involved. I am, to put it one way, reallyjudgemental when people step over certain lines, but I'm also not too loudabout the results of such judgements unless the harm appears to be ongoing.One of the last discussions I had with Nicole was actually about an ex-boyfriendof hers completely ignoring traditional notions of loyalty andhonesty, cheating on one girlfriend after another. No surprise -- the guy is,from what I understand, a real dirtbag. However, she has no interest in exposingthese things, while I think that the harm is ongoing and were I in her shoes,would certainly do so. Of course, these disagreements are common, and I'veseen parts of my circle of friends from Brecksville shatter (perhaps slowly torebuild) over issues relating to this. I don't see it as a duty to reveal thesekind of things, but I do see it as a real plus in almost all circumstances, andwould probably do so almost consistantly. Anyhow, these things are not relatedto a few years old events, as some people might think, but actually seem to berooted in my psychology from some events and elements of my upbringing/characterthat are hard to analyze. From what I understand, I have a large fear ofabandonment and betrayal, and while I might trace a number of other thingsin my character back to some abuse that happened to me in second grade (no, it'snot sexual, just strong emotional abuse), I don't see how this might fit into that. I think strong sensitivity to that kind of pain causes me to beespecially judgemental on those who cause it.

So that's my final question for you all today -- given a situation where youwere aware of one person knowingly betraying their girlfriend/boyfriend, wouldyou speak to the betrayer about it? The betrayed? Would things change if youwere friends with the betrayer? The betrayed? Both? Are there othercircunstances which would change what you would do?

Tags: philosophy

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