The deep oddness continues. I recently had dinner with a friend, K (a different K than another person I called K at a different time) at Indica, a place I haven't been for a long time (possibly since I was still dating Nicole). I've been trying to introduce K to still another person I could call K along with several other people. I've also been in touch with JasonM more than usual recently. Sunday evening, Martha swung by, dropped off Aubrey and Horatio, her cats (whom I'll be catsitting for about 2 weeks), and we had Ethiopean food at Abay, another place I don't think I've been since Nicole. The food being tempting enough, I had some beef, which because I have not eaten meat for a few weeks, made me feel ill (still feeling ill now). J/R are out of town for a few weeks, and so I was there Sunday evening, and on the run back, I ran into K again (it must've been 02:30, and it was in the middle of the empty, snow-filled streets near CMU). CMU is starting to feel deserted again starting today, the university emptying out as students leave after their finals. Semi-recently I also had dinner with all my co-workers while some good Jazz played.
I'm a bit nervous about next semester. I believe the class I'm taking will be fairly intense, and will take considerable extra energy and time. I hope that I can fit all the things I need for work next semester and all the other things I need to do nicely with the class. It may require some sacrifices. I'm also not looking forward to buying the books, which will probably be about $200.
I've sometimes wondered about the role of dreams in life, in particular, how one should react to them. There are times that dreams appear to be giving one a message. At the simplest, this isn't a big deal -- I didn't sleep well last night (explained below), so I took a nap from 19:00 to 23:00 today (which was more sleep than I had last night), and had a dream where I kept drinking cups of cold water. Sure enough, when I woke up, I drank some water, and felt better. Often, dreams will reveal or spotlight other kinds of desires, the ones we normally don't act on because they conflict with other desires, or sometimes desires we've repressed because we're ashamed of them or similar. It can be interesting and helpful to be reminded of these every so often, but there are many repressions that are good and necessary for good character and society, so in many cases it's a goo thing to recognise them, and then put them out of our mind. These can range from the intrigues of sex and desire to ill-hearted schadenfreude and cruelty, all part of the human experience, but not things that should necessarily dominate us. Sometimes, going into my dreams feels like hanging my self-image up on a coatrack and reexploring the space of human possibility. I hope, as any configuration of values given the active thought (clock cycles, if one feels like using an analogy) of a person would, that I don't wake up a different person.
With all this social stuff going on, along with dealing with a situation involving a strong crush (that is, as far as I can tell, at most only lightly reciprocated) and low sleep, I'm feeling emotionally exhausted. It's not that I don't have social urges -- some part of me, probably bits of personality that I got from my mother, wants to continually be around people, and I've been listening to that more recently (not intentionally, it just kind of happens because it's more of an active push). It makes me miserable and depressed. I think for awhile I'm going to need to spend a lot of time alone. This is a good time of year for it -- the girl I'm interested in is leaving town tomorrow morning, and with other friends leaving town en masse over the next few days, there are only a few people left that I would hang out with. I suppose a university job is better than a corporate job when it comes to really people with my kind of introversion - the unstructured environment really helps. I suppose my father's job probably didn't allow him that luxury, and I think he has a bit of the same antisocial nature. My grandfather, having run a business out of his basement, had considerably more flexibility on this matter, and I know, based on conversations with him and my grandmother, that he has pretty strong tendencies towards needing space. A constant frustration I had with Nicole was that she wanted me to fight my nature on this topic, seeing it as another challenge. I suppose I'm not against fighting one's nature on principle -- part of communist thinking involves fighting our nature on a few more fronts (selfishness and similar tendencies) to bring about a better way of being. However, there is usually a cost to fighting one's nature, and unlike fighting selfishness, I know that fighting this one is not something that I can do without becoming miserable and neurotic. I suppose I don't *know* it, but it is my strong intuition given my understanding of how I feel.
I think also that I have a tendency to share too much in conversation about my mental state and life. It's ok to do so on my BLOG, because it's a BLOG, and y'all can change the channel if you don't want to read it. I have friends who have told me that they don't read it because they'd prefer not to, and that's fine with me. I need to stop sharing excessively in person though, with coworkers, friends, and etc. I think I'm making progress on this though.
On to cat issues, there are two cat houseguests, Aubrey and Horatio. Horatio is skittish, but is a very nice cat at heart. He has been hiding for most of the time he's been here, but when I retrieve him, he generally is friendly. Aubrey is a very old cat that I babysat what I think was about 8 years ago. He doesn't get along well with other cats, yowling continually when either of my cats are in sight, screaming and batting at them (he's declawed) when they get close, and generally being very angry and unhappy. Last night, hoping he'd calm down over the evening, I let him sleep in the living room with me. Neither of us slept, and eventually at 7am I put him in his kennel in the bedroom of my apartment, returned to the front room, and got 2 hours of sleep before heading in to work. Aubrey has managed to be a pain in the ass in a few other ways (when I fed him this morning, after gulping down his wet food his mouth got *really* frothy and disgusting, etc), but when my other cats are elsewhere in the apartment, he's shown a much sweeter side. It'll be a challenge for the next two weeks to see if I can bring that side entirely out in him here.
I would write more, but I'm not feeling well (see above). Zzzz.