Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn
dachte

It's not about sex

I can still do it, and do it well, and when I make a mistake, I can see in retrospect and if I did it more often, I could take make those happen negligibly.. but the circumstances are not right, and I get much more tired by it than I used to. But it can be fun, in a way. There are times when I even think I could be a politician -- if I had more interpersonal energy, I could do it continually, and I could probably work myself, with a bit of reinvention that I actually know how to do, into something close to Clinton-levels. Instead, it is a rare light I emit -- even most of my closest friends have never seen it (although all the people I've dated *have* seen me apply it if I were to remind them). This time, it was used for something different...

And reflecting a bit more broadly, is this all just a distraction? Am I wasting time, trying to avoid something more important I should be doing? What exactly is that? Is there another stage of my life waiting for me that I've been reluctant to embrace? Or.. is that a fabrication I should reject? Is our life really something we get to script, each person an amateur Shakespeare? Can we create new things? Or do our genetics bind us into a path of shall, should, or ought? Hormones? I stare at the white wall, a meditation stone or a mirror, unsure how to percieve this. There are feelings I can't help that I don't want to feel, and knowing that I feel them brings guilt by my value system. They are all very human, and I am sure most people have felt them, but that does not make them easier to reconcile.

Some things seem clear after a moment's thought is that friendship with people with whom one gets along well is almost never a waste of time, and is not often a mistake. Sometimes life is complex, and if what I know of some of the sides of my family are indicative of what's in store for me, age will not treat me well. There's little I could do to change that though, so I must learn to deal with it. Already the memories seem more precious than the now though.

I had a nice dinner with some people I knew and some I didn't. Hurrah. I'm also relieved to be free of the burden of that class -- self-improvement of various kinds is often tiring. Speaking of improvement and stuff, finally the last stages of the carpet drama with my old place are being wrapped up. The carpet replacement is taken care of with a $900 check (yay). Hopefully the extra cleanup work that my ex-landlord said was needed will not be too expensive (I get that itemised bill in not too long, I presume).

I am using my recently unburdened mental landscape to channel efforts towards finishing the putting to order of my new apartment. Hurrah! (It's actually fun)

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