I have come to a slow understanding of the meaning and path of my life. I don't think I'm aiming for a PhD nor to make research part of my life per se. I like my job, and I like contributing to science, but I can't imagine submitting to the focus needed to really build my life on it. I could go for a PhD in something like Philosophy, but I don't think that's financially wise at this point. Sure, I'm single and childless, but I don't really want to be either, and also as much as I am a philosopher, I am also a lover of computers and I don't think I could be too distant from them, jobwise, and be happy. My current situation is actually pretty good for me, in that it uses my expertise without impinging on my mental life too much. I used to think that was a problem in that I could easily get bored of my job. My current job is a bit better than most I've had in that I can dip more into the science part of it if I ever want to.. However, I've come to appreciate that what I really have here is a job that gives me a very good amount of intellectual freedom (and little exhaustion), good pay, and a rushing river of intellectual stimulation, both in people (students and staff provide different kinds) and resources (Free but limited access to Lexis-Nexis, university library, and countless other things). All of this provides an incredibly fertile intellectual soil for my mind. The meaning of my life is to live life and think, and occasionally to let people know what I'm thinking. This thinking goes among many paths, taking many forms, from my philosophy, BLOG, and worlds I create (more on that momentarily) to programming, learning new hobbies (e.g. accordion), and things like that. The purpose of my life is basically to live and grow for as long as I am interested and able to do so. Accepting this marks it more important than any of the other goals I've had in life. I once was concerned that I didn't seem to be moving towards any other goals, but with this decision, I mark my actions as being part of a continual purpose for life. I of course will keep changing things in life, but no longer as part of some temporary goal I set in life. In a sense, I've had this end since partway through University when I decided to stay summers and for five years, because there was a lot of stuff I wanted to learn and because my parents were paying all the costs. It took some time for it to be *the* meaning of life rather than just one of them.
I really need to find a companion to make my life feel complete in this regard, for several reasons. I want someone else with whom to draw inspiration and perspective from, and they must be damned smart to do this effectively. I also don't want to feel alone, and all the other reasons people want significant others. Kids also fit into this, in that while the selfishness involved in not writing things down heavily recently does not bother me much, I would like to pass my thoughts along and kids would be an ideal vessel for that (note that this is not the only purpose I see in kids). I hope it happens soon -- if I turn 30 and am not making decent steps towards having a life partner, I will be too old to feel that I should have kids, and that'd bother me a lot.
On the topic of creating worlds, I am just about ready to restart my scifi-future blog. Expect it soon. I haven't made any progress towards writing the software for my webcomic yet. It probably is about one weekend's worth of solid coding. I hope to get some weekends free when a coworker (who is keen to sometimes trade for my weekend slots) starts to scan again.
Computer now has wintv and sound installed. I don't have the WinTV set up because I'm short on some connectors, and this sound card makes me realise that I really need to get a nicer sound setup. I don't need a receiver, as the sound card and WinTV card together handle all of that, but using the TV as my only speaker is rather uncool. I've dubbed the system crisis.