Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

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Colouring Her Eyes

Confusion - like waking up in someone else's too large house, dedicated rooms that are mysterious or redundant for a simpler person. Instinct - to remember the difference between Santa Clara and Santa Barbara - resolve to remember that whichever it is is like deciding if it's a city-state - Santa Clara is South Carolina, the nonsensical hint that's just odd enough to survive the floods that sweep across the plains of memory, like hiding things from oneself, or more precisely, hiding things for when is in the right mood again for this logic to make sense. Not knowing, on one level, if these moods will come again. Overheard conversation repeats in whispers, thoughts of oddity of memory fades. Amusement - thought of applying speculative history, that amusing line of thought that authors, roleplayers, and micronationals often play with, to pop music - how odd it would be to pull someone from a parallel universe, talking music with them, finding all their popular music to be different from our own - "Britney Spears? Who's that? And how can you not have heard of Greybean?".. stomach confused at infrequent food, recent memory of effort in trying to recover text lost in levels of undo in vim by digging through /dev/mem and the swap partition, surprised at "Operation not permitted" - I am root. Eventually remember that gdb can attach to a running process and save a core dump without killing it - running strings on that recovers the lost text. Reminder: Did that trick with DEBUG in DOS, ages ago - forgot to save a document, app crashed, started DEBUG, searched all of memory for text in document, saved those pages to a file. Some things never change. Reservedness - was raised with expectation that people never tell other people what they think of each other, don't explicitly speak of friendships, enjoying each other's company, don't touch, never praise - exception: people one is dating or interested in dating - this ingrained basis for communication (class thing?) leads to difficulties in reaching out to others as well as a feeling of panic/violation and pain that touches the core of loneliness when others reach out. Swat that hand away, some part screams "No!" to that swatting as meaningful contact is prevented. Leads to odd predictability - can tell a lot about my thoughts on someone with regards to how I react to their touch. Head is totally a jumble today, like an earthquake is meeting a flood and tiny islands are dancing in and out of the water. Imagery: letters in droplets of water in the shower (or, for "wilder data", higher quality randomness (than rand), a waterfall). Inner struggles become strange when one side invites external parties into the mêlée - will France aid Dixie against the Yanks? At what cost? Laughter: Claims of inconsistency - sometimes it's lack is from not grasping complexity of solid stances, sometimes grasping something at a higher level of unity - examine hands. Bath for a regressive cat. To honestly play that game - be prepared to take your ball and leave rather than twist other people's words or play games of dishonesty, or sometimes to struggle. Dreams of hugs - anxious attachment to things behind metaphors.

Recent gotcha when debugging some computer problems - personal firewall (which is largely unnecessary/helpful when one is behind NAT anyhow unless it does some application-level filtering). ... practiced laugh at reminder of OSI model...


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