Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

  • Music:

Lithium, try carbon nate


  • Upside: I believe I have probably done something novel in the PGR's history by running it barefoot. People were pleasantly surprised that I managed to finish.
  • Downside: It hurt. A lot. The one foot that sustained some damage from my last barefoot road run suffered very badly from the run (the other foot's surface is fine, and both are bruised in novel ways that make walking, even in my sandals, a bit unpleasant). I also finished between all the other runners (I think) and the walkers. I might've been able to have picked up the pace a bit during the non-gravel parts on the way back, but I was too wary to give it a go and the gravel bits saw me barely running at all. Maybe if both of my feet had been intact I would've been better off in this run.

Still, it was an experience. I am not entirely sure how to deal with the damaged foot - a learning experience involving scissors, rubbing alcohol, buckets, and lots of bandages awaits. Maybe the timing of getting my bike fixed was perfect - I can't walk without a good bit of discomfort, but biking works pretty reasonably.

Oh hey people if you decide you want to take me places to hang out, this would be a great weekend to do it.

I find this Blog about dressing well to be oddly interesting. I've recently come to see the degree to which I've been trapped by habit - the potential of change in my life is a lot more potent than I've considered, and I've lived a bit too much like a child with a ghost parent that no longer manages things - I've relegated to that ghost things that I should take back if I don't want materials to slowly degrade with only emergency replacement (from clothes to cleaning). I've been terribly reluctant to consume any resources or make any waves, for fear of overstepping bounds that no long exist. Maybe this is the mirror of parents needing to learn to adjust to their children no longer being things to be managed and nurtured - I need to better learn to manage and nurture myself. It feels odd to be learning it so long after I had the formal freedom to do so; maybe the razorlike focus on interesting ideas and problems and learning served a purpose, but I realise that apart from practical knowledge that my parents or teachers took the time to teach me (e.g. tool use, house electrics, some car maintenance, some cooking, etc), outside of hobbies that are practical enough (e.g. carpentry), I've been lax at teaching myself non-idea-related skills because on some level they fell outside that institution that I never mentally shed.

I am tempted to say that maybe my parents should've made more clear that being under their (and scholarly) wing was like training wheels and shoved more strongly into my mind that I really would be free to and responsible for maintaining and deciding my life. But maybe that's just another thing I should've figured out for myself more strongly than I actually did. It's not like I've asked for advice often, I just kind of coasted without direction.

I guess maybe I actually was together on this stuff once - I don't really remember - during the periods in life I've dealt with terrible depression, I think I lost a lot of bits of myself and my memory is kind of fuzzy for those periods. It's a bit weird when the person who is theoretically responsible for a personal identity (selfsame person) can't say for sure about these things - the temptation to confabulate (publicly) is strong.

Perhaps it's wrong to take a stand against conscious-ish confabulation or to try to recognise it in some form, if we can't in principle escape it even for things we're sure about? I wonder about that. Perhaps we can avoid the worst abuses to truth with some self-training? And yet, trying to do this may summon a kind of stoicism or the spirit of gravity. Is it worth it? Is this a concern? Mental discipline's relation to these things is complex - in-the-moment-and-natural versus potential-refinement?

Still thinking about what to do with the gap time I may or may not end up with. Another option might be to spend it working only on my philosophy. I'm not sure if I might get worn out doing that though, and it would be nice to still have neutral or positive cashflow during the gap - yes I am loss-averse like the rest of humanity. Still, I have a reasonable cushion and I don't have caviar tastes. I also have quite a lot to say that I don't think has ever hit paper. Hmm.

Regardless, not feeling like I'm alone in the world helps.

Recently: Asked a question on AskABiologist that seems slow to get a response - I hope this doesn't mean that it's a stupid or ill-defined question.

Still getting warm fuzzies about how much material there is on the net for self-education, and disappointed that there are not more people who use them.


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