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tired

Make that all three sisters now engaged, my sister Lindsay having been proposed to on Christmas. Huh.

It seemed likely that someday I'd end up with three brothers-in-law, and it's neat that the three of them are pretty cool. Still, as a marker of time this is a little strange - uncles looking a bit more like grandparents, grandparents looking a bit more tired, and cousins with children. It feels a little strange to still feel mostly the same, like something's a bit out of sync.


Some years ago I gave up on trying to be happy, and about 9 months ago I started to pick things up again and try to live. It hasn't been easy on most fronts; ending depression is an inner struggle and thus harder than most external ones, earning new momentum in life is tiring, and I've been progressively picking up burdens of life (both specific to my situation and general life things) that were mostly left on the floor when things were bad. In some ways I don't really know myself, but I can't let that stop me from pursuing the things I need to keep myself going - love, functional friendships, hobbies, etc. It's nice to be able to redefine myself, and in some ways it's great that I really could lift anchor and head to another city, country, or job if romance, grad school, or something else caught my eye - I know the meaning of who I am (mostly) but not the meaning of what I do. Still, that's a bit scary, and the whole reason I'm untethered is that there's not a good reason for me to be anyplace in particular right now; I hope that can change.

I think this is what will happen over the next year - hopefully I'll get some direction in terms of romance and life path. Hopefully this will also mean that my set of hobbies will settle down into habits. I am *certain* that I need to have more fun in life.

Comments

In some ways I don't really know myself, but I can't let that stop me from pursuing the things I need

building both of these at the same time is one of life's great challenges.
I've had years of being alone. I know I need a certain solitude to stay sane, but I know myself well enough to know that I need a life partner just as much as if not more than I need a career (although I'll of course work on having everything I want to be happy).

Sufficient solitude = good for creativity and the like. Years of being single = suck.
Sure, too much loneliness can be sucky. I think chrisamaphone's right to caution against associating too much self worth with romantic entanglement, though. Dissatisfaction with a social circumstance is one thing, maybe inevitable in small doses from time to time, but it's important to guard against letting that become dissatisfaction with oneself. Chrisamaphone has recognized a realistic risk.