Pat Gunn (dachte) wrote,
Pat Gunn

Sight of the Incorneal

Two days ago, I met someone who claims to really like drinking Manischewitz. He's from Russia, and apparently doesn't associate it with cough syrup because when he was there, they didn't have cough syrup as we know it. My stomach gets a bit queasy imagining people drinking it, but...

I've thought unity of purpose of people doesn't make much sense for quite some time now - recently I've seen bits of me force me into positions where I have to make decisions in order to avoid situations of choice paralysis that are increasingly broken. I think people actually do this all the time, and it's the kind of thing that people who have simpler models of how people think tend to stay up nights worrying about. A lot of societal sharing of woes involves pretending not to understand the person or people who frustrate us, demanding of them a consistency that would make them much simpler than they are, like an object. Explaining to people the truth they're theatrically denying themselves deprives them of expressing it in that form - they can't say as much when they just say "I can't get what I want". I'm tempted to say that it's like an adult form of tantrum - as we get older, we move back away from truth and rely on societal conentions to keep people from taking things away from us that we need for catharsis, expression, etc. Even aware as I'm trying to make myself of all of these patterns I see in people, I suspect I do some of these things myself when I think I can get away with it and when it manages to avoid my sense of shame. Waking up entirely sometimes is a bad idea, from some perspectives - doing it often enough weakens our ability to meet our emotional needs, even if it might make us purer people by some notions. What is better? To even ask that, unqualified by a value system, is to delve into another emotionally helpful lie.

I still am amused at reading some years back, in a Dungeons and Dragons booklet on Beholders, a section on their psychology - the author chose to describe their mind as a set of filters designed to parse data from the outside world and cleanly integrate them in ways not incompatible with its preconcieved notions built from paranoia, arrogance, etc etc. In more than a few ways, Daleks from Dr Who are described as being the same way. While in the stories these are set as theoretical contrasts from humans (and human analogues, as appropriate to the story), I like the theoretical concepts given - they practically beg to be applied to humans as well.

Today I skipped out on a protest - same day announcements practically guarantee that it's going to be difficult for people to attend (I stayed a bit later at work today - trying to get my new experiment implemented, which sounds dull but is actually really awesome and fulfilling). I had a completely unexpected conversation that made me respect someone described that I don't know
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This weather makes me want to go out and nap under trees - hopefully the ground will dry out soon and that won't be such a muddy idea. Sometimes it's a bit weird seeing everyone around me being so happy and secure - that can occasionally toss me into depression, but this tends to be pretty short-lived because the sun on my skin eventually makes me both content and sleepy.

It's funny how almost every piece of music I listen to on my computer has strong associations for me based on when I acquired it (or first heard it). Some part of me, when I hear the Wallflower's song Bleeders, for example, is brought back through the years to the lonely summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year of University where I was living in Jones Graduate Tower - the cramped space, a feeling of isolation, the joy of taking my first systems class combined with wrapping up the weedout introductory CS classes. It also brought out nostalgia from two years before where I was living in almost the same place two years before for the Engineering Summer Academy (and listening to a lot of the Toad the Wet Sprocket album Fear). Sometimes I think that if I thought enough about it, I could take a diff between then and now, in great detail, using musical cues as keys to "tunnelling" back to how I felt and saw the world. I might even imagine that if I put my mind to it I could revert myself back those ten years. It would be interesting, although I suspect it wouldn't likely be completely reversible. Death Cab for Cutie, for me, has the strongest association right after graduating - I have a strong recollection of a small moment in time where I was driving through the West Campus area to work, listening to the only song of theirs I had at the time (President of What?) on my Rio. While it's often said that smells are the best cue to memory (and they're certainly among the strongest), music tends to be better for me because I get more distinct sounds than distinct smells over the years.


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